30

[The following poem is part of an unintended trilogy examining the despairing mind as it struggles to claw its way back into the fight to live.  The three poems were not intended to be part of a series but appear to have been written at different points of my own struggles with purpose over the past few months.  Part one is themed Desperation…]

30

 

 

I had this morbid joke as a teenager

That I’d never see my thirtieth birthday

I fear it’s prophetic leading me to danger

Even if it’s still half a year away

 

 

Society tells me I should be more accomplished

And at my age, I thought I’d be too

By now I should’ve done at least one thing to astonish

But I’m not sure what path to pursue

 

 

Spiralling, trying to find a reason to go on

I can’t continue to be a drain and a burden

Right now I think it’d be better if I was gone

It’s hard to find anything good to believe in

 

 

I’ve done nothing of value in twenty nine years

No hint of progress since I was nineteen

A consistent series of failures to find a career

Ten years have passed but no closer to my dream

 

 

Honestly I don’t actually feel like I contribute

To anything, or to anyone’s life

I don’t feel like I’ve any useful attributes

With this belief, that all I do is cause strife

 

 

Be it fact or fiction the thoughts are true to me

The absence of success now driving my fears

I’ve still no idea what I’m supposed to be

As my Thirtieth birthday draws near

 

 

I had this morbid joke as a teenager

And it looks like it might be coming true

I guess I’m just writing to ask you a favour

Can you help me discover my value

 

 

Cameron D Hamilton 30/08/2016


 

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14 thoughts on “30

  1. Eric

    You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. I’ve come to the realization that it isn’t others, or those you have in your life, that bring you the sense of accomplishment and value. A man (or woman) can have all the things in the world: a family, a job, success, etc. and still remain unfulfilled. Its an internal thing that it seems no amount of external relationship can actually fix. They are only a band-aid, not a permanent solution. As sad as that may be. Unfortunately I don’t have a solution to offer. Only a willing ear.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honestly a willing ear is sometimes the best thing and I’m very grateful for it!
      I think the sad truth is all the icons of success and progress are societal driven constructs that aren’t much more than ideals rather than truth. It’s hard to balance the self when you’re told yourself isn’t good enough ease you don’t conform, society is deadly to the damaged soul!

      Like

  2. I know a lot of this still rings true for you but I also know that I’ve seen you start to move forward from this, towards something new…something you..something unashamedly genuine and real

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Pingback: Give A Damn – Cameron D Hamilton

  4. This is beautifully written first off. Second off I know its hard to want to continue sometimes when you feel like you’re making no progress. No purpose. Sometimes the best and only thing to do is to let that out somehow weather it be by writing or another way. I will say you’ve become a nice friend and I am here if you need a panda to talk to im here 🐼😄😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This piece really explores the despair oh hitting a societal milestone ans reflecting on achievement. As the trilogy runs this is the first part of rebuilding, the desperation of what to do next or whether going on is worth it. The series will make more sense with the following pieces of exploration

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Be Someone – Cameron D Hamilton

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