Faux Pas (A Collection)

[The following is a collection of faux pas put to rhyme.  These are very brief unrelated events that have been inspired by true events, not necessarily my own, with a little poetic flair for some added drama.  I thought these were fun little stories, so I decided to throw them altogether under the one banner.  As ever with all my poetry the structure is very simple, but I hope you lovely readers like them.  Enjoy…]

'Ugh, isn't this elevator music the worst?'
‘Ugh, isn’t this elevator music the worst?’

 

I rang up work to advise them, I’d not be in due to being depressed

Dutifully they took my details, but didn’t sound too impressed

Ending the call I was told through a giggle “We hope that we see you soon”

Thanks, that’s super encouraging, sounds like someone’s empathetically immune

 

 

I decided to take a taxi home, it was raining and I’d forgotten my coat

The drive was moaning about all the political campaigners, trying to solicit his vote

I replied that I thought religious missionaries were worse, questing to covert passersby

When he told me he followed that particular faith, I just wanted to curl up and die

 

 

Mother sent me a text to call her right back, filling me with all sorts of dread

Has something terrible happened to dad, my friend said “maybe your dog is dead”

Fumbling with my phone I called her in panic, expecting a horrible fright

Hanging up the phone in tears, I punched my friend hard, why did their joke have to be right

 

 

Needing an escape from distractions at home, I went to the library seeking some quiet

Working on my book, earphones attached to my phone, listening to music in private

I stood up and with a jerk; the jack was pulled out, to loudly broadcast my poor taste

Disapproving tuts and glares, as I’d broken the silence, embarrassed blushing red in the face

 

 

As a call centre agent I answer phone calls, providing excellent customer service

Security always comes first, to verify who you are; we can’t speak unless I am certain

It can be quite the blunder when you hear a gruff voice and assume it’s a man on the line

Innocently asking “is this your wife’s account?” “No it’s mine; I’m a woman, you swine!”

 

 

I had an old friend from many years ago and she’s always been a woman of size

We don’t talk often but whenever we do, we like to playfully tease and criticise

Dropping her purse, she wants help to pick it up, I joke “who died and made me your servant”

Shocked at my refusal, tears welling, she replies “You do realise I’m almost eight months pregnant?”

 

 

Predictive text can be a really useful tool, but sometimes it’s not your best friend

You can write your messages quickly but you better read them before you hit send

Instead of a pint I told my mother I was going for a riot after work

She said I’ll be doing no such thing with a winking emoji smirk

 

 

Cameron D Hamilton 10/08/2016


 

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