Weighted Wandering

 

Desperately trying to find my way

Walking mile, after mile, after mile

Failing to keep all the bad thoughts at bay

Their taunts so painfully hostile

 

If I can get away just far enough

Maybe I’ll find some peace

Maybe life there won’t be as rough

Maybe the bad thoughts will cease

 

Wandering without plan or direction

Hoping I’ll find it on the road

Through tormented quiet contemplations

I might release a few burdens from my load

 

Hours have passed, no progress

Exhausted, but I carry on

Those damaging thoughts I wish to repress

Trap me, walking broken and withdrawn

 

Weighted feet plodding along on the ground

Feeling worse than I ever did before

Are there any answers out here to be found

I honestly don’t know anymore

 

Legs have started to ache from walking

But I’m far too afraid to head back home

Fears won’t leave, they keep on talking

I’m better off out here all alone

 

I forgot to bring anything with me to drink

Body reacts to dehydration

Yet still the mind does harmfully think

In despairing contemplations

 

Each exhausted step stings on tired feet

Friction causing them to blister

Is it time to drop to my knees in defeat

Allow my world to be jaded and bitter

 

Would it be so bad to let my body fail

Succumb to a tired dehydrated end

The malicious over analysis of my life in detail

Shows in myself, I can no longer depend

 

There’s no worth to be found in anything I do

Why struggle against the voices in my head

Depression or not, I believe I might be through

Wondering if I’d be better dead

 

 

It’s clear that there’ll be no salvation

From my mentally over encumbered walk

Devoid of any breakthroughs or inspiration

I think it’s time I sat down and finally talk

 

 

Cameron D Hamilton 05/08/2016


 

Advertisements

27 thoughts on “Weighted Wandering

    1. Thank you so much. It rather got away from me. It started as an examination of me being exhausted after walking for hours and turned into this.
      I imagine the tired filterless words altered it some something far more introspective and frankly scary.
      I’m sad that you share the same burdens, I’d far prefer it if I were the only one. We’ll need to go walking together, feed some schoolchildren and educate some swans…wait… 😄

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Eric

        You had me at educating swans…devilishly evil creatures are swans.

        But yes I also would rather be the only one to feel this way…of course it would be far and away better if no one felt such weighted emptiness at all.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I would argue schoolchildren are far more devilishly evil creatures but swans are rather dangerous. When my dog was still around she used to try and chase swans, she was a runt of a Westie and though she could handle a Swan. She want the brightest, she tried to jump on the windowsill to see outside got up the perch wasn’t wide enough and came clattering down. Oh and she had a thing for chasing horses, how she neve got trampled I’ll ever know.
          Ah if only we were all free of the burdens, it would be a far better world but I do like the nobility of falling on ones sword to make life better for others. You see it so seldom.

          Like

          1. Eric

            Indeed schoolchildren wicked devils in human flesh! I worked in a public school for a year…you learn more about the human condition working with children than anywhere else (unless you’re into politics). Indeed I’d chose swans over children any day!

            You’re putting me in the mind to write a piece about falling on ones sword. I am a sucker for those noble, self-sacrificing characters. Seems like seppuku, or something like it, was practiced in the ancient Near and Far East. Perhaps something set in that time.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. The innocence and filterless youth grasping to learn and be heard. I hate them all. Ahaha!!
              Children are still scarier than politicians, unless you work in a brothel.
              Oooh, you have me integued. I always gravitate towards nobility and bravery, the aspirational qualities I think I lack.
              I’m sure whatever you write it’ll catch my attention, if I wasn’t settling down to a night of batman movies I’d be quite interested in writing a companion piece examining a modern sword fall. Actually shouldn’t start thinking about it or I’ll never start the movies. Ahaha 😄

              Like

                1. Ahaha! I do love a bat fanatic. The Batman v Superman ultimate cut is 3hrs long. literally just finished and while the extra footage was nice it doesn’t change much. Although I have a new Justice League theory after watching again.
                  Off to watch the Killing Joke now. I’m don’t mean to brag, it just makes me smile 😊

                  Like

                    1. Well Killing Joke was wonderful. It’s a must. I want to read it again now, it’s been a while.
                      I’ll email you at some point tomorrow, it’s probably an obvious JL theory but a second viewing of the movie has given me some thoughts I missed.

                      Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah yes the kindred tortured souls wandering feel those weights upon them.

      Luckily one of us has two marvellous girls for support, the other has pretty hair 😄

      I’m really glad you liked this its an odd piece that wandered away from me and turned into something more melancholic.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I really didn’t know where this was going beyond I went for a walk for 3 hours and was exhausted when I came home but inspired to alagorise.
      I think this is a therapy piece for me to bring myself to a point that I might talk, I fear burdening people and often push away anyone with genuine care because I want to protect them. Depression is horrid but sometimes pretty art comes from it.
      Thank you for thr support ans the ever so very kind words ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally get that. Its a horrible feeling to feel like youd be a burden by expressing yourself….knowing you don’t want to ruin any ones good day with your mess but most people want their loved ones to share so they can help and be supportive. So don’t be afraid 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s sadly one I can’t shake. I know they’re around but it’s not easy to allow those barriers to break especially when the people around me don’t truly understand.
          Time will tell where I land, for now I’m just happy to know that I have people near just incase I need to talk

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thank you, it was written with an exhausted body ans mind and sort of found itself being an examination of depression rather than tired post walk thoughts
      I think we all have, trying to walk away trying to fix yourself feeling your body tire and your mind fall through despairing confusion till clarity that talking could help.
      I’m glad this piece resonates but I certainly hope youre not there now 💜

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s